by a McGill Law Client

We have worked with several individuals who were leaving their domestic violence situations. What follows is a very personal story from one such individual who was brave enough to share their experience. Our collective hope in sharing this story is that it has the power to help others.

I was “happily” married for 28 years when my husband pushed me into a door in our home. Stunned, I grabbed my phone, said I was calling the police, and went outside. Instead, I called my mom, who also got my sister on the phone. A few minutes later, my husband left the house and drove away.

My mom and sister convinced me to grab a few necessary items and leave. I spent that night and the next day hiding in my office. During this time, I googled domestic violence, called the Domestic Violence Hotline, and LEARNED A LOT. I took pictures of the tender, bruised lump on my right arm.

I returned home when my husband texted and told me to.

Over the next few nights, when I rolled over my left shoulder in bed, I would wake up due to sharp pain. I kept thinking, “why does my shoulder hurt?” I finally realized that when my husband pushed me into the door, he injured my shoulder.

A couple of weeks after the assault, he wanted intimacy. I showed him the swollen bruise on my arm, and he said, “I’ll try not to hurt it.” I complied.

The right arm injury healed after 3 weeks.

The left shoulder pain and weakness persisted. I avoided using that arm, which is my dominant arm. I started to get worried when the shoulder was drooping, and the muscles were atrophying. My husband told people that I was faking the injury.

I went to the WCA. The counselor saved me. She helped me see that I was in an abusive marriage, and I had to leave.

I said, “it only happened once.” She said, “can you think of other times when you felt frightened, intimidated, hurt, controlled?” Well, yes, about a million… I said, “I thought it was normal.” She said, “it may be common, but it’s not normal.”

My husband controlled most aspects of our lives. He picked out the houses, the vehicles, the vacations, the pictures on the walls, the paint color, etc., etc. I learned to avoid complaining and to be content with what I had.

My husband is a spender and I’m a saver. He called me and my family “ghetto”. I learned to avoid saying anything about his spending.

I was not a perfect wife. Sometimes I left dirty dishes in the sink. That could happen twenty times and there was no consequence. But on the twenty first time, he would fly into an explosive rage. Sometimes I didn’t get the laundry done. That could happen twenty times and there was no consequence. But on the twenty first time, he would fly into an explosive rage. Sometimes I was late… sometimes I didn’t put gas in the car … once I walked on the grass in the front yard … etc., etc.

When I “made him mad”, he would yell, call me f*cking b*tch or f*cking c*nt, throw and kick things, slam doors, stand very close to me in a “chest out” posture, etc., etc.

With the help of my counselor, I finally realized that I even though I was not a perfect wife, I did not deserve to be yelled at, cursed at, called names, intimidated, and physically threatened.

Even if I was worse than an imperfect wife or person, I would not deserve to be abused.

The irony is that I am not worse than imperfect. I am a doctor and a business owner. My husband is a doctor too. I know what you’re thinking, how could a doctor be so stupid to think those things are normal and to deeply love and remain loyal to someone who abused them? Well I asked myself the same questions. I researched and learned that “adverse childhood experiences” put me at higher risk to be a victim of abuse. It is not my fault that I was abused, but I am an easy target for someone who has an abusive and controlling personality.

My counselor warned me that the most dangerous time for the victim is when they leave the abuser, so I secretly made arrangements to leave. Five weeks after the physical abuse, when I knew my husband would be gone for a few hours, I moved out of the home that we owned for 23 years, into a one bedroom apartment, in 72 minutes, taking my clothes and few other items.

That day, before I left, I again showed my husband my drooping shoulder. He said I had scoliosis. I don’t have scoliosis.

I wish I could tell you this story has a happy ending. Two years after the physical abuse, I have a drooping shoulder and debilitating PTSD. My husband got baptized and says he is born again, but his behavior during the divorce process remains controlling and abusive. I am having shoulder surgery, and he has moved on to his next victim.

The cure rate for domestic abuse is 4%. The abuser is not going to change, because the abuser blames the victim. “DARVO is an acronym used to describe a common strategy of abusers. The abuser will: Deny the abuse ever took place, then Attack the victim for attempting to hold the abuser accountable; then they will lie and claim that they, the abuser, are the real victim in the situation, thus Reversing the Victim and Offender." My husband minimized the abuse, saying “it wasn’t that bad” and “all I did was push you.” He blamed me for the abuse. He said, “you led me to the crime.” He said, “you’re lucky it was only a push.” He said I abused him, and he “forgave” me. I can hear his voice in my head. I imagine him telling people that the surgery is my fault. People will believe him. He is charismatic, confident, and convincing.

When I think about it objectively, it makes sense. No one is going to put a bumper sticker on their car that says, “I ABUSE MY WIFE!” Domestic violence would be painful and difficult to admit to family, friends, and even yourself. So, I guess it makes sense that the abuser’s brain would create an alternate story.

When the abuser repeatedly blames you, you can get confused. Fortunately, research on domestic abuse taught me the key to recognizing who is the abuser and who is the victim: the abuser has power and control.

I covered for my husband for 3 decades. I am still covering for him - I am not going to put names on this essay. But finally, I have started to “own” my truth: the person whom I loved for 30 years assaulted me. Recognizing and leaving an abusive marriage has been traumatic, but once I realized what it was, there was no way I could stay.

If you need help, we’re here. You are not alone. 402-548-5418