Gaslighting has become an increasingly popular topic for families facing divorce. Gaslighting is a covert form of emotional abuse that can lead to psychological manipulation. The abuser uses gaslighting in an attempt to sow self-doubt, confusion, and manipulation over the abused. Done successfully, the victim will question their own reality. The insidious nature of gaslighting leaves victims feeling lost and confused. While gaslighting is most prevalent in intimate partner relationships, it can happen in any relationship including the parental/child relationship.
Victims of gaslighting are deliberately and systematically fed false information to cause them to question what they remember, think, and feel.
Another buzz word that is often thrown around is narcissistic. Narcissistic gaslighting doesn’t differ from normal gaslighting, but it may be used for slightly different manipulative purposes. A narcissist might use gaslighting to preserve or to protect their ego, prevent others from challenging the narcist, or maintain a sense of superiority.
We find many individuals realize that they are victims of emotional abuse just before or during their divorce process. The first step in having tools to overcome gaslighting is being able to recognize the warning signs. Several examples of gaslighting include: your partner repeatedly lies to you; criticizes you for being lazy, sensitive, weak, stupid, or inept; or your attempts to communicate your feelings and concerns are never productive. If this is happening and it leaves you feeling confused and doubtful of your own feelings, memories, and experiences, listen to your gut, don’t be ashamed and don’t second guess your own feelings and intellect.
It is helpful to start checking in with others to obtain validation and to reality test. If you do not have another available, start journaling or making audio entries of things after they happen. If you feel like you’re being gaslighted, you can go back and read what you’ve recorded. Documenting is helpful in a divorce to record your feelings, your experiences, and thoughts. We routinely suggest to people going through a divorce or child custody proceeding to document things as they happen, so they have it if they need it for the future.
The best tool is to reduce your exposure to the gaslighter. Gaslighting is not acceptable and does not make for a healthy relationship.
If you think you or a loved one are in a relationship involving gaslighting and want help getting out, contact us. We’ve got your back.