A Brave Divorce- does that sound like an oxymoron? Is it possible?
“The braver I am, the luckier I get,” - Glennon Doyle
I am reading Untamed by Glennon Doyle. This is a great book filled with meaningful, insightful quotes. I love it. Glennon is brutally honest about her own marriages, divorces, and struggles with love and life.
One of the many parts of the book that resonates with me is when the author shares her journey to the difficult decision to get divorced. In 2016, she wrote a book about her successful marriage titled Love Warrior. Because of the success she achieved from this book, deciding to end her marriage sometime thereafter was wrought with entirely different painful and wrenching considerations. Doyle describes her marriage to her husband as one that left her feeling dead inside. Specifically, she shared about her husband’s frequent infidelities, her own struggles to feel satisfied, and an overall inability to feel free. Yet, she related that her husband was a good man. In fact, she felt like she had the kind of marriage for which women are taught to feel gratitude.
As is true for so many, concluding that divorce was the best decision for Doyle and her family was difficult. She tried to find the answer from others but ultimately decided the answer had to come from within. She had to trust her instinct and do what she truly felt was best. Interestingly, the sentiment that led her to her final decision was her revelation that she was staying in her less than healthy marriage because of her children. However, her marriage was not one that she wanted for her children. Indeed, she struggled with how to reconcile these contradicting thoughts. If she would not want her marriage for her own daughter, then she questioned why she was modeling an unhappy marriage and excusing it for being a good mother. She concluded that being a good mother is not equivalent to being a martyr. Rather, it is paramount to be a good role model.
When Doyle told her husband that she wanted a divorce, he actually gave her grace. He was grateful for the time that they had been together and the civility that she had allotted him after discovering his years of infidelity. In turn, he decided to extend her the same decency in leaving the marriage. In fact, she shared that when she and her husband told their children about their impending divorce, her husband actually supported Glennon’s new relationship. Doyle describes this support as the most selfless act of grace or love that she has ever experienced.
Being brave does not mean doing what everyone else thinks that you should do if doing that thing goes against your intuition. In fact, Doyle says it best… “Being brave is the opposite. Sometimes, being brave can simply be about listening to your own voice and trusting it enough to speak and act on it.”
A successful marriage is not one that lasts until death if you feel dead inside. In fact, the contrary is true…a marriage that ends in divorce can still be a successful marriage! The bravest decision might just be the decision to end your marriage. No doubt, change is difficult and it takes courage. Making the decision to end a marriage and try something different is scary partly because we are venturing into the unknown.
Fortunately, there is an approach that takes away a lot of the fear of that unknown... the collaborative divorce model. You are equipped with professionals who will honor your relationship & protect your family for the duration of the divorce and years to come. In fact, the best outcome for those we help is one that encourages brave choices and celebrates the ultimate grace stemming from such choices.
For example, I recently worked with a client who agreed to allowing her husband a significantly larger share of the marital estate. After that meeting, she thought about her decision. She then shared that it had left her feeling sick. She did not feel like she deserved less than an equal share of their martial estate, so why had she agreed to accept it? Instead of doing the easier thing of ignoring her feelings, she chose to be brave. We facilitated a discussion and she bravely shared her feelings about the division. I was so impressed by her courage. Indeed, I am honored every time I can help a woman find her voice, bravely speak her truth and achieve the grace we are all so deserving of.
If ending your marriage is the brave decision for you, we are here to help!