Whether you are currently divorced, separated or contemplating either, co-parenting with your partner during this time of heightened anxiety, fear and uncertainty can be particularly challenging. Schedules are upended and maintaining a consistent routine is virtually impossible when quarantined or limiting social exposure. Indeed, there really isn’t any sense of normalcy. Parenting right now brings its own unique challenges especially when parents are on different wavelengths. Maybe Mom is scheduling play dates at the neighbor’s house or Dad is running the kids to Barnes and Noble. Dad might think the neighbor kid has the virus because the older sibling just returned from Spring Break in South Padre, Texas or Mom might think Barnes and Noble is a terrible idea since there is no way the employees are maintaining a 3 feet distance. Any way you see it, the stress of it all can lead to unmet expectations and overall chaos if you aren’t having open and meaningful communication with your partner.
To help navigate you through this stressful time, we offer practical communication tips to maximize successful parenting:
Keep it about the kids – communication should be clear, concise & on topic regardless of the method (email, text, etc). Be consistent with the method of communication to avoid confusion which my lead to conflict. Communicate regularly to keep one another in the loop. Try to avoid discussing your individual needs in the presence of the kids; rather discuss the kids’ needs.
Be polite, courteous, transparent & objective – your co-parent is your business partner and you have the same goals of raising a healthy, confident child who knows he/she is loved. During the pandemic especially, make every effort to provide one another with honest information. What can you agree to do if one of you or a child has been exposed? What precise preventative steps can you agree to implement to keep the children safe? Try not to react if you feel antagonized, phrase communication via a request not a demand, don’t disparage one another & remember you are a team working together to resolve issues not to place blame.
Your battles should never take place in front of the kids – it’s okay to have disagreements in their presence as they may actually learn how to problem solve by observation; however, heated arguments that lead to anger or hurt will only distress your children so put the discussion on hold or show cooperation by agreeing to disagree.
Communication is 2 way, not 3 way- avoid putting your children in the middle & don’t use them as a messenger. They don’t need the burden to relay a message accurately and they certainly don’t need to “choose sides.”
Be an active listener always looking for a compromise- avoid trying to hear what you want to hear, rather make sure you are listening to your co-parent. Oftentimes it helps to rephrase what you heard in order to accurately & effectively communicate. Be flexible and accommodating to interests and positions. This may mean making concessions in order to reach a mutually agreeable decision.
Try to maintain a routine- you will communicate more effectively if you and your partner try to maintain some agreed-upon structure in your day to day routine with the children. This may mean getting up and eating breakfast every day at the same time, establishing quiet time for reading, or setting specific times for gaming, cell phones or social media.
Maintain reasonable flexibility- it is unrealistic to think now is a time when we must follow rigid rules that are mandated in court orders or parenting plans. Rather, be kind and generous by offering a parent who must be quarantined from a child make-up parenting time when the risk of infection has passed. Some parents will have to work long, over-time hours to make up for lost time on the job. They will appreciate flexibility with parenting time.
The upside is that this may actually be a time when you and your co-parent can grow closer & stronger in your decision making by using the aforementioned tips for effective communication. By doing so, you will demonstrate to your children that their parents are a “united front” advocating for their best interests. Not only will your family endure these adversarial, challenging times, but you will also come out stronger when life soon returns to “normal.”