Information without a narrative is just data. Facts presented without context not only fail to convey a meaningful message, but also leave the communication open to misinterpretation. While this may seem like an insignificant observation, there are few things in life more necessary than understanding the importance of narratives and using narratives to your benefit.

As defined by Merriam-Webster, a narrative is “a way of presenting or understanding a situation or series of events that reflects and promotes a particular point of view or set of values.” Understood in this way, narratives are vital for those who co-parent, especially those co-parenting young children. The “particular point of view or set of values” portion of this definition is even more important during times of separation or divorce, as children are inclined to create their own narratives which often turns blame inward. An effective method to preventing this negative narrative is to co-create a message that specifically addresses the anxiety experienced by the child (or children) of the separating parents.

“We will always be a family” and “nothing will ever change how much we love you” are classic narratives that all co-parents know well. However, if skillfully crafted, co-parenting narratives can not only mitigate the creation of a feedback loop, but also prevent it from starting. “We both decided that we would be happier if we were no longer married” addresses a common cause of many children’s negative narratives, as so often the child believes that he or she caused the parents’ marriage to fail.  

Creatively presenting these topics in a context easily understandable by young children is also worthwhile. “We are both coaches of team (child’s name)” emphasizes the importance of each parent’s commitment to the child. Statements such as these serve the dual purpose of insulating the child from a negative narrative while also shifting the focus from the parents to those most vulnerable throughout the separation or divorce. Co-parenting narratives not only assist the child (or children) through this process, but also the parents. These stories spoken repeatedly reinforce the co-created “point of view or set of values,” especially during times of familial discord. Likewise, displaying visual representations of these co-parenting narratives within the home serves a similar purpose.

However, children are not oblivious to contrived storylines. “We will always be a family” rings hollow when every family photo is taken down and discord between the parents is palpable. Words without action carry little weight; therefore, playing the part is required by each parent.

There will come a time when the parents can explain their own “side of the story” to the child, and this decision should be left to each parent. However, a disclosure of this nature may never feel necessary. As time passes many co-parents are less attached to their emotional responses to the divorce, and no longer feel the need to “clear the air” with the child (or children). Consequently, co-parenting narratives may function as self-fulfilling prophecies. Essential building blocks to co-creating a reality that represents those narratives, each co-parent fakes it until they make it. As a bridge over the uncertain waters of divorce, co-parenting narratives are an essential tool for getting to other side with healthy family relations intact.