At McGill Law, we are a dedicated team of professionals who are passionate about guiding our clients through the stress and turmoil that results from family conflict. Your team is here to help - whether it be through a collaborative approach of your divorce or modification or a more traditional litigation approach. We recognize that almost every family has conflict. This is not surprising when you consider the strong emotional connections families have with one another. At our firm, we are fortunate to have a wise boss who recognizes the importance of personal and professional growth and happiness. She offers coaching as a perk to aid in maintaining the sound mental health of her employees so that we may better serve our clients and ourselves.
One of the most profound realizations of coaching is that each one of us can manage & control unhelpful thoughts that hold us back or create obstacles. Thoughts and feelings are valid but the behavior that may result from these may not be valid. It’s what we do with our thoughts that makes all the difference. We offer the following tips to help you better control your next conflict with your spouse, partner, co-parent or significant other.
Tip Number One:
Try to avoid impulsivity. This is definitely not an easy thing to do. We love our partners, spouses, and significant others; however, we may not always like them, and they often know how to press our buttons. If we don’t feel respected, heard, and valued our emotions might dictate our actions. This usually means we are acting in a hurtful, off-the-cuff manner. If we can try harder to navigate emotions, we might find we are engaging in more constructive communication. This will naturally result in stronger, healthier relationships where the other person inevitably feels loved and supported.
The next time you head into an altercation with your partner, take a moment to pause, come to center and think about how you want to feel. Then, make the choice and choose your feeling. You have the ability to decide this – what a liberating thought! Making a positive choice may make all the difference. For instance, rather than gearing up for battle and elevating emotions by exploding with anger or frustration, take a deep breath and try to think logically. Maybe simply smiling through the discussion, dismissing resentment, and not having preconceived notions or expectations will bring effective results. You just might be less likely to react emotionally and together make it to the finish line if you try these simple adjustments.
Tip Number Two:
Try to ask the other person WHY they feel a certain way. This often leads to understanding and a more open mind. You are less likely to focus on just your opinion. This means you will have more compassion and respect for the other person’s point of view. You are no longer discounting or dismissing that person, rather you are making an effort to really hear them and relate to their intentions. You don’t have to agree or adopt their beliefs or desires. But you do want to give them an opportunity to be understood. Giving them a chance to explain will actually inevitably lead to YOU having more control and will result in a more fruitful discussion.
Tip Number Three:
Utilize a process that will turn your next conflict into a meaningful conversation. First, be strategic and organized about when and where your discussion will occur. Our lives are full of appointments and we are all rushing to get to them. When is the last time you made an appointment with your partner? Try it… maybe call it “an appointment to get on the same page” and make sure you actually attend this all-important appointment. Next, it’s important to identify the issue(s) to be discussed and don’t veer off course. Stay focused and whatever you do try hard not to refer to past conflict or impasse. Third, avoid disparaging, demeaning language. Remember what we learned in kindergarten… don’t be mean. As mentioned in Tip Two, now is the time to open your mind to the other perspective. Last but maybe most important, avoid accusatory remarks. You will be more likely to have success if you preface your comments with “I feel…” In doing so, you are not pointing the finger rather, you are focusing on the feelings that certain actions or behaviors invoke.
Utilizing the aforementioned tips just might lead to a more meaningful conversation, less conflict and long-term success and happiness. After all, isn’t that ultimately what we are all striving for?