As a Nebraskan, by February I usually question why I have willingly chosen to live somewhere so cold, dark, and drab. Then Spring returns and I am reminded of the perspective shift that ensues each year like clockwork. Often it takes darkness to truly appreciate the light. It’s during these months that I remember the lessons that nature demonstrates time and time again.
“Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.” – Lao Tzu
In all my humanness, I often catch myself rushing. Whether I am yearning for a new season or bulldozing through a painful experience. We are determined to reach the destination, when in actuality without the suffering we cannot fully delight in the outcome.
The endeavor for happiness and success as a permanent state is deeply embedded into our culture and is just as deeply flawed. So, I wonder, how can we collectively learn to embrace the process…pain and all? How can we relinquish the need for control and perfection, and surrender to where we are at in the present moment? These are questions I have always pondered but was recently struck by a similar sentiment in Holly Whitaker’s “Quitted” podcast. What I keep coming back to as a potential solution is the brilliance and value of ancient practices…rituals.
Many cultures have established celebratory rites of passage and rituals for life’s transitions. Jewish children celebrate Bar/Bat Mitzvahs as a coming of age; Hispanic communities celebrate a Quince Nera for young girls turning 15; and Aboriginal Australian boys undergo a “walkabout” into the wilderness to symbolize the transition to manhood. Surely, we all remember the discomfort and awkwardness of the transition from adolescence into adulthood, and the need to honor this transformation. However, there seems to be a void regarding rites of passage during adult transitional life experiences. We celebrate weddings, births, and promotions; but don’t honor the less glamorous transitions (divorce, loss, the ending of a friendship, menopause, unemployment, etc.), which are undoubtedly necessary catalysts for internal reflection, self-discovery, and growth.
Because of this cultural void, I regularly seek out ways to ritualize life’s transitions. The benefit of rituals is endless. It can provide healing, closure, and a ceremonial space to process the emotions that are bottled up inside. Ultimately when we intentionally create time to memorialize the experience, we can make meaning out of even the darkest moments. This is how we obtain wisdom.
Here are some ideas for ritualizing the “less glamorous” transitions:
Divorcing with children:
To heal: Sit down with your children weekly in a “healing circle” to offer up a space to talk through the range of emotions everyone is feeling. Create a safe and comforting environment, with candles in the center of your circle and cozy pillows for everyone to sit on. Invite everyone to share what their hopes, fears, and needs are during this big transition.
To spark joy: Consider having a day of hooky for both you and your kids. Choose a random weekday and plan a day of fun activities together. This will be bonding and connective, but also a bright memory for everyone, amidst a heavy time.
Divorcing without children:
To heal: Identify one night each week that will be solely developed to nurture yourself. Designate a specific room to be your sanctuary – deck it out with a Himalayan salt lamp, candles, photos, and other items that spark warm memories. Use this comforting space to process your emotions –proceed with journaling, meditation, breathwork, yoga, or another somatic experience to meet yourself where you’re at, nonjudgmentally.
To spark joy: When you are ready, plan a ‘divorce party’ where your friends can celebrate and support you in this new chapter. Reframe the ending of a marriage as a new beginning, where suddenly there is a new sense of lightness and freedom that awaits.
The ending of a friendship:
To heal: Look through old photos of you two together, find comfort in knowing you shared a connection at one point in time. Recognize that people are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime…not everyone remains an integral part of our life and it’s okay to mourn that loss.
To spark joy: Create intention around the type of friendships you want to manifest moving forward. Reflect upon the traits you value in a friend and perhaps what was missing in this last friendship. Then, try to put yourself out there by trying a new hobby – check out a yoga class or join a cycling club, insert yourself into the communities where people share similar interests.
Ultimately there is not a ‘one-size-fits-all’ method for ritualizing a transition. The key elements to keep in mind are safety, comfort, intentionality, and time. The sooner we normalize acceptance and tolerance for the process of healing, the sooner we will find peace. If you are experiencing a painful shift in your life, know that you are not alone. If you want to discuss more ritual options, or have a healing circle facilitated, please contact me at inwardinquiry@gmail.com – I would love to be a part of your healing journey.
Whitaker, Holly and McDowell, Emily 2022; Quitted; Episode 6 “What is it about Endings?”
Guest article written by Lucy Hancock,
Emotional Wellness Coach, Trainer and Facilitator
Lucy Hancock facilitates coaching sessions, mediations, workshops, team-building trainings, and group dialogues. At her core, she loves diving deep into emotional expansion work—encouraging clients to live consciously and in alignment with their truth.
Inward Inquiry is a hub for all things relational + emotional development, contact Lucy at inwardinquiry@gmail.com.