Motherhood. How do I even begin to describe the weight of motherhood? It is the most beautiful burden, the greatest blessing, and the most profound challenge. Taking care of a child—to whom you are their entire world, the foundation of their existence, survival, worldview, and well-being—is one of the most significant undertakings a person can face. Taking on this endeavor in a partnership has its own unique advantages and challenges, but single motherhood adds a greater depth to the conversation.
Whether you are a single mother by choice or through unexpected circumstances, whether you co-parent or are the sole caretaker for your child, we all face similar challenges. You might ask questions that I have struggled with, such as, “Am I giving my child the foundation they need to thrive?” “Have I robbed my child of a healthy relationship with home and family?” or perhaps most profoundly, “Are my child’s basic needs being met?”
These questions go on and on, and fear of long-term consequences might be ever-present in the back of your mind. All a mother wants to do is give her child the very best, and when the perfect nuclear family and white-picket fence are in question, it can be so easy to fall down these rabbit holes of fear, self-doubt, guilt, and even downright dread.
As a single mother since pregnancy and a chronic over-preparer, I poured a lot of time and energy into researching the ways my daughter would be affected by her upbringing. I spent frantic hours studying the effects of single-parent versus co-parent homes and various family structures on children. I listened to podcasts, stumbled upon Reddit threads, and carefully combed through scholarly articles. One of the most encouraging insights I found was in an interview with a childhood trauma therapist. The therapist advised that the number one indicator of how children grow to be thriving, well-rounded adults does not come from living in a two-parent home but rather from the quality of their mother’s happiness.
If a mother is struggling with post-traumatic stress disorder and struggling to connect with her own body, she may have a more difficult time nurturing or supporting her child. Perhaps a mother is struggling with depression and unable to express joy in and around her children, and as a result, her children may, in turn, feel that they are disappointing their mother or that they are somehow less than joyful additions. Children watch their mothers closely, for it is she who sets the foundation for how they view the world around them—be it with positivity, love, and joy, or with fear, anxiety, and low self-esteem.
For many of us, this may spike another level of concern. Maybe you aren’t happy. Maybe you’re lonely, overstimulated, struggling to maintain your home and finances, or having a difficult time regulating your emotions. Maybe you were or currently are in a toxic relationship that you’re either healing from or fearful of exiting. You might have financial concerns and are struggling to make ends meet. Or, like me, you may feel as though your days are consumed by bouncing from one job to another, moving from the 8 to 5 office demands straight to the housework, meal prep, and bedtime routines that make up your every waking moment. Indeed, there is very little time left for personal interests or self-care. You often end the day with very little physical energy, much less emotional. After all, we are only human, and life doesn’t coddle us with tenderness. The good news is that your own happiness is much more within your control than the family structure you are able to offer your child. In the game of ovarian lottery, this is your trump card.
Finding happiness may feel daunting. You might feel as though you need to overhaul a multitude of areas in your life before you can truly be happy. However, as we all know, life will never be perfect. You will never have it all together. There will always be laundry to do, documents to prepare and re-prepare, and paths to tread. But making small life changes can make all the difference. For instance, rising just five minutes earlier to enjoy some solitude with a good book and a cup of coffee in your favorite mug can be transformative. Perhaps you might try lighting a candle before bed. Maybe planning a monthly dinner with close friends and family will provide some much-needed support. If you are tired of preparing the same meals day in and day out, try one new recipe a week that you’ve bookmarked but never got around to making. Finally, try multitasking by watching your favorite TV show while folding laundry. Essentially, make an effort to look for the glimmers while working through the triggers.
On a bigger-picture scale, being a single mom in and of itself is a wonderful chance to choose happiness. You get to choose the home you create for your child without the inhibitions of a partner. Whether you became a single parent by choice or through circumstance, you have the opportunity to be the mother who, despite the inevitable challenges, is better off and serves as an example for her children. You can be the woman who knows her worth and mirrors strong values for her children. And if you choose a future partner who might set the same excellent example of what a spouse and parent should be, consider that to be a blessing.
The next time you feel judged, doubtful, or fearful about the foundation you are giving your child, remember to step back and look for the silver linings. You are your own silver lining—your happiness is your child’s future. Give yourself enough patience and grace to prioritize that.
If you’re navigating the challenges of single motherhood and need legal support or advice, our team at McGill Law is here to help. Reach out to learn more about how we can assist you at 402-548-5418, we have your back.
Skylar Barratt, mother to Iris & Legal Assistant at McGill Law, Lincoln